I will just take profit of the fact that my blog has only 1 follower and write something very personal that I have been carrying with me for as long as I remember. The fact that I am choosing to write about it doesn’t change a thing but maybe, just maybe after getting these thoughts out of my head I might fool my mind to believe that this is a closed issue.
Actually it is being really hard for me to find the right words to express what I feel. Perhaps it is because all the time I have tried to suppress these thoughts, to forget the difficult moments which have been a lot.
Let me make a parallelism, probably this way some words will come out my mouth.
Imagine yourself entering a room and on the floor you see a huge broken mirror into 5 pieces. There are two bigger pieces you try to bring firstly together, but it’s impossible and every time you try, you unconsciously cut yourself . You see the blood, the cuts get deeper with each time you try and you are left there only with hurt and pain. It seems like these 2 bigger pieces don’t want to be joined together but they can’t even stay apart. How senseless is that? Maybe it is some kind of sorcery?
You are still there.Still trying to bring the mirror together. Agitated, angry, with the image of this beautiful mirror stuck in your head, doing all that you can to turn it back the way it was before you entered the room.
But nothing. Hopeless, you decide to give up. In the moments you begin to accept that maybe this is how the mirror is supposed to be, something devious and sneaky crawls into your thoughts…It’s fear. Fear that your reflection will never be complete, fear that the scars will not heal and fear that the 3 little pieces will not know how to be part of a beautiful mirror.
That beautiful broken mirror is my family.
The fights and arguments between my parents have left wounds in me.
I fear my siblings and I will never know how to be part of a happy family.
We never were happy, we never were ONE… and that’s the “together” I miss the most.