I have a soul that’s not for everyone 

I have a soul that’s not for everyone 

There is so much I could say right now about all this tangled mess of feelings stuck inside me, but I can’t. The impulses through the neurons in my head flow so fast, I can’t even catch the end of one thought without having millions of others way more complicated pop up.

I wish I could write like Sumire in Murakami’s Sputnik sweetheart. That would tremendously relief the heavy weight of unfinished thoughts. Word after word, sentence after sentence, each one would release me from the trap of melancholy. It is even more difficult to concentrate on writing when you are in a new city, staying in a low light hotel room  for the night and from your slightly opened window you can hear pieces of stories of people walking down the street. Those half stories mix with your story and than there you are drifting away for minutes…I have to stop, to think for a while what was my last thought before I got lost. I’m here again and my sadness is still here. I don’t even know if I can name it sadness or not. But it definitely is sitting somewhere deep down my soul because it’s a long time I have been feeling this way. It is a strange feeling of not belonging combined with some drops of not being understood. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Im not sure but I know a lot of emotions are involved and many unsaid truths hide behind this feeling. But what makes it more difficult it’s me! My daring ego has the courage to stand up and face me so honestly about all this. She screams and yells that my emotional intelligence is not intelligent at all and it’s breaking me into pieces because I need to feel, have to feel everything to the fullest. And the only feeling I have right now is this (maybe) sadness. My ego is smart, she even suggested me to act like I don’t care that my inner world is so different. She even said that if my soul is not like the rest, that it is something special and I should cherish it because it is not for everyone. Only certain ones will understand. But who trusts the sick ego of someone who hasn’t felt other emotions than sadness for a long while?

The Law of attraction

The Law of attraction


Oh please tell me you have heard about The Law of attraction! Please be brave and bold enough to share your experiences or thoughts with me on this topic.

If you haven’t heard about it, let me introduce you to the next most impressive thing you will read about today (or just some total rubbish theory) on how to completely change your life within seconds.
Basically, The Law of attraction is a philosophical concept that roots in the projection of our thoughts and their visualization. According to the people who preach this philosophy, it is the best kept secret for centuries and it has been applied (unconsciously or not) by the most influential figures of the history suggesting that this secret made them who they actually are/were. It is something as simple as “Your wish is my command” to the genie from Aladdin. The Universe is your genie.
My spiritual side of the character, which is into things like meditation, meaning of life and personal growth is able to accept such theory that we can have everything we want (a 50.000$ check, a star in the Hollywood Walk of Fame, the hottie next door, health or happy family vacations, you name it) just by visualizing concrete thoughts and working towards their manifestation. This side of me can make peace with the fact that positive-thinking has the power to improve our self esteem and change for good our point of view in life.
Whereas, the other side of my character (doubting Thomas) on behalf of which I get called skeptic or suspicious very often, continuously questions why would these people decide to share such a precious secret right now??? If you check online there are so many videos, articles, books, web pages dedicated to this concept. People even have shared their experiences, which in some cases are too good to be true and I obviously find too hard to believe. So generally, an entire industry is built upon this theory. Another confusing question pops into my mind right now… While applying  the Law of attraction and focusing only on the good thoughts (cuz that’s what this is all about) do the negative things in our life not happen as much as before or we just get used to concentrating on the positive and that’s why the negative seems so little?

To be honest with you all, I learned about the Law of attraction around 2012. I read the book and made a visualization board with pictures representing my wishes. Although the pictures would be in front of me every night before I went to bed, I didn’t spend so much time thinking or imagining myself having them. But strangely enough to make me write this post, some of them did come true (the rest not yet because they were long term plans 😛 ). I had a picture of a University somewhere in Europe and close to it another picture of a scholarship. I wanted to study abroad, in another European country and to be granted a scholarship. THESE ARE BOTH TRUE NOW! I study in Poland and as you can understand I have a scholarship. I can remember also another picture of a girl with her arms wide opened , the rays of the sun and the wind on her face, which represented some kind of  freedom. Freedom for me, to live on my own and freedom for my thoughts, not to be influenced by others (as once I used to be). I am really happy to believe that I have achieved this also, but I can’t help but wonder… Was all this because of the Law of attraction or is just the course of life that took me down this path?!


A passionate without passion

A passionate without passion


How crazy is this? I spent all yesterday wishing that one of these daily prompts would be about passion. And here it is today. Thanks Daily Post.

You would wonder why  I wanted so bad to write about passion (or not,but I’ll tell you anyway)?! Well, lately I have been drowning myself with questions about what I want to do with my life. It’s a typical thing Scorpios like me do. This Q and A goes on forever in my mind and it is a spiral  of thoughts that will psychologically disconnect me from the world for the rest of the day.

Am I sure that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life?
Maybe I will be more successful if I try something new?
Will I be happy in this path I am taking?
Will this satisfy my ego?
Do I deserve more?
Is this worth it?

You see, the spiral is asphyxiating. But it is all about the God damn passion!
If you know a Scorpio, you definitely have seen how passionate they are about life, about their ideals, about emotions or feelings. Passion to us is way much more than lust or strong desires for something fleshy. Passion is the fire burning inside us. It’s what keeps us going. The drive, the energy, the striving, the ambition, the yearning…  It’s so intense. Call it whatever, to us it’s vital. Dare I say, life’s meaning for us is in the things we do with passion.

And here I am, a lover of passion wondering in which moment I lost it. Perhaps lost isn’t the right word. I didn’t loose it. The fact that I am still advancing and accomplishing whatever I set my eyes on means that my passion for hard work and success is still burning. And I am passionate about so many things in life: old dark mysteries, beautiful paintings, exploring not so popular cities, people’s psychology, intriguing books, jazz, soul and hip hop, thought-provoking conversations, alluring eyes and magnetic kisses. But something is missing…

I won’t rest until I find it. What am I REALLY passionate about?
On a last thought, maybe career paths are not about passion. Maybe passion exists just to give a specific essence to our lives so we all will have something special that makes us different from the others. I don’t know. Now I got myself into a wider spiral of questions and maybes (I feel like I am chasing my own tail) …

The “together” I’ve missed the most

The “together” I’ve missed the most

The “together” I’ve missed the mostvia Daily Prompt: Together


I will just take profit of the fact that my blog has only 1 follower and write something very personal that I have been carrying with me for as long as I remember. The fact that I am choosing to write about it doesn’t change a thing but maybe, just maybe after getting these thoughts out of my head I might fool my mind to believe that this is a closed issue.

Actually it is being really hard for me to find the right words to express what I feel. Perhaps it is because all the time I have tried to suppress these thoughts, to forget the difficult moments which have been a lot.

Let me make a parallelism, probably this way some words will come out my mouth.
Imagine yourself entering a room and on the floor you see a huge broken mirror into 5 pieces. There are two bigger pieces you try to bring firstly together, but it’s impossible and every time you try, you unconsciously cut yourself . You see the blood, the  cuts get deeper with each time you try and you are left there only with hurt and pain. It seems like these 2 bigger pieces don’t want to be joined together but they can’t even stay apart. How senseless is that? Maybe it is some kind of sorcery?
You are still there.Still trying to bring the mirror together. Agitated, angry, with the image of this beautiful mirror stuck in your head, doing all that you can to turn it back the way it was before you entered the room.
But nothing. Hopeless, you decide to give up. In the moments you begin to accept that maybe this is how the mirror is supposed to be, something devious and sneaky crawls into your thoughts…It’s fear. Fear that your reflection will never be complete, fear that the scars will not heal and fear that the 3 little pieces will not know how to be part of a beautiful mirror.

That beautiful broken mirror is my family.
The fights and arguments between my parents have left wounds in me.
I fear my siblings and I will never know how to be part of a happy family.
We never were happy, we never were ONE… and that’s the “together” I miss the most.